I know it’s time to change. It has been time to change how I draw income for a long time now, but it really, really is time.
Last night, on my last trip on my last day of the work week, I once again reached the end of my rope. I lost my cool with a customer who was being unruly on my train – most like due to intoxicants or mental health issues or both/all, and I lost control of my emotions.
While I acted forcefully, decisively, and for the good of all people on my train, I felt like I’d failed myself, having lost my emotional grounding, and letting this person get the better of me.
I still feel shaken by this feeling that I’m not capable of doing my job to the level that’s expected because I’m weak or broken or unable.
I was warned this might happen, by a senior operator when I started, who’s long-since retired. Elizabeth, you knew better, and you tried to warn me. I will never forget it.
The job hunt is on, and has been on, for some time now. Sadly, I’m tied down fiscally in ways that require a minimum salary guarantee, and that means a limited job pool to draw from. I’m also very limited by my work experience, as I’ve been in the same line of work for nearly a decade. I’m also old, and while age discrimination doesn’t happen on paper, it definitely happens in reality, and so making the changes I need are an uphill battle.
I am nearly done with my nutrition coaching certification. I need to dig down and get through my personal trainer certification as well, which is sitting like a large, daunting lump on my dining room table. Still, I know that’s where my joy is to be found, and a future-self exists.
I will get into my future, and find a way away from this mountain of anxiety and stress that work is brining into my life. I will find a balance. I owe it to myself, and to those who love me.