On the Job

I know it’s time to change. It has been time to change how I draw income for a long time now, but it really, really is time.

This last week was far too much effort.

Last night, on my last trip on my last day of the work week, I once again reached the end of my rope. I lost my cool with a customer who was being unruly on my train – most like due to intoxicants or mental health issues or both/all, and I lost control of my emotions.

While I acted forcefully, decisively, and for the good of all people on my train, I felt like I’d failed myself, having lost my emotional grounding, and letting this person get the better of me.

I still feel shaken by this feeling that I’m not capable of doing my job to the level that’s expected because I’m weak or broken or unable.

I was warned this might happen, by a senior operator when I started, who’s long-since retired. Elizabeth, you knew better, and you tried to warn me. I will never forget it.

The job hunt is on, and has been on, for some time now. Sadly, I’m tied down fiscally in ways that require a minimum salary guarantee, and that means a limited job pool to draw from. I’m also very limited by my work experience, as I’ve been in the same line of work for nearly a decade. I’m also old, and while age discrimination doesn’t happen on paper, it definitely happens in reality, and so making the changes I need are an uphill battle.

I am nearly done with my nutrition coaching certification. I need to dig down and get through my personal trainer certification as well, which is sitting like a large, daunting lump on my dining room table. Still, I know that’s where my joy is to be found, and a future-self exists.

I will get into my future, and find a way away from this mountain of anxiety and stress that work is brining into my life. I will find a balance. I owe it to myself, and to those who love me.