After
Today has been a day of reconnection.
I had a lovely moment with my husband in our shower, as we lathered up and cleaned our skin for the day. In the steam and water, we embraced, for the first time in a very, very long time. Our schedules, and with the introduction of the ex-boyfriend over the last few months, has meant that we’ve definitely not been able to connect on even the most basic level. A quick chat over morning coffee, sometimes, does not make for a healthy marriage, and I felt that pressure early on in my time with the Boy.
Still, my husband knew that I was going through a thing with the Boy, and that I needed space to find my pace and place with the addition to my family and our home. He was happy to see the joy on my face that the Boy brought into my life, even while he was worried about the stress I was putting myself through to support him and also maintain my connections with the other men that I love.
It would come to pass that, in fact, my husband was a little hurt by how little time we saw and spent with each other. He admitted this to me yesterday, and I had to sit with that fact for my entire work day. Turns out, he wasn’t deeply hurt, but just a little wary about things between us. We’ve been together for over nine years now, and our relationship has become stronger and more unique as time has passed. Others from the outside have definitely judged our connection, and some do not understand it, or can’t wrap their minds around it. Frankly, that’s how I’d like it to be. People will always make assumptions and categorize the things they do not understand or have experienced themselves, and our resilience to exist through all of that is only a testament to how strong we are as a couple.
I also had a moment to reconnect with my other local partner today. David, the DJ, has been part of my PolyFam for a few years now, and while our connection is definitely more of a light-touch, no-expectations kind of arrangement, we did miss each other while I was wrapped up in my other situation. In the past couple of weeks, we’ve been able to come back together, and express love and intimacy in ways that work for us, and that support and nourish each other, as we’ve been doing all along. He loves that he can let down his guard with me and be “small,” while I enjoy offering him solace and security when the world gets hard for him. He also gives me solid advice about how my heart feels, and reminds me, often, that I have true value in the world and am worthy of love that reflects that. While I’ve been in this moment of transition in my relationships, he’s been so good at helping me keep my balance, and re-establish who I am, how I love, and what that all means.
I have also spent some time, briefly, connecting with my longer-distant partners, Cody and Rene, and just reminding them that I love them and that they matter. Cody is managing a relationship shift in his life, as well, and so it’s important to me to be there for him in as many ways as possible. Rene is overwhelmed with stress and is trying to find balance between caring for himself and keeping himself invested in his community. Much along the lines with Cody, I am distant, but am there for him in any way that I can be. Long distance is tricky, but it’s doable.
I will carry on with my life, the way I love, and build more faith in my own self and my own values as time passes. My journey with the ex-boyfriend was a bit of a stress-test for me that I really needed to go through in order to find the boundaries that I cannot cross, and how much tolerance I have for flexibility across the areas of my life. I still have miles to go and healing to do, but I feel like today was a good first solid step in that direction.
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