Category: Touch

Feelings, words, thoughts

Reckoning, a Bit

He’s got a date tonight.

I told him from the start of this reconnect that I’m totally comfy with him dating, seeing others, and all of that. I meant it then, I still mean it today.

However, this information today has got me back on my heels, deciphering why I reacted to this news the way I did. Initially, it stung, and I know why. I haven’t been checking myself, keeping myself on the path I knew I’d need to traverse, since the Boy has returned into my life. Instead, I’ve let myself start to believe that this was really going to be a second attempt at what we started with, that I’d be able to let go of my reservations and fall deeply in love with him again, without fear or worry of losing him. I started to create this fantasy in my head, and living my days as though it was real.

It’s not real. Not really. He’s still after a thing that doesn’t look like the relationship I have with him, and that’s a fact. He’s said so himself.

I need to respect that, and welcome the reckoning with the way I’ve been feeling and thinking about the connection I have reformed with him. The other thing I need to do, which he reminded me of last night, was to stop racing ahead, future-planning and pressurizing, and getting out ahead of the reality that we both share. Yes, he might have a date tonight, but that doesn’t mean he’s off and gone and disappeared forever. Nor does it mean that I need to stop making more space for the kind of love I am seeking, either with him, or with a potential future partner.

The fact is, I am an emotionally polyamorous person, with deep, non-sexual connection to a few different men. I am, also, sexually monogamous, in that my body really only functions well when I can have a solid, continuous connection to another person’s body and sex, surrounded in love and warmth and safety. The Boy once provided that for me, which is what my body still actively craves, and it’s that energy and flow that I’ve started to really enjoy again, and which has led me to creating a fantasy world that contains us in that fashion.

Needless to say, it’s tricky. All of this is tricky. All of it requires me to let go of the future I think I’m headed to, and simply remain present-tense, in this space of current status, current feelings, and current pursuits. I told him that I needed to pull back from him a bit, and I don’t think he liked that.

He prefers me to be my full-on loving, open-hearted, generous self. Of course he does – it’s my best feature, and my most supportive. If I withdraw, then he has to face the challenges of his own days on his own, which, if I’m frank, might be a good test for him to undertake, and drive the choices that he’s making.

I know, at the end of this all, that I’m worthy of being loved in the way that I am seeking. I also know that it’s not impossible, or even difficult, to be in a monogamous and powerful sexual/physical relationship with me, with all the added support, love, and commitment that comes with that for me, who’s also demisexual and needs that emotional level of contact above all, and still not be threatened by the emotional connections and feelings of attachment I have to others in my life.

If it makes him feel better, I can just call them “close friends” which is more for his benefit, and not mine. I simply don’t have titles for the men I love anymore, nor do I have titles for myself in all of it either. I’m simply Thom. Everyone I’m connected to is also, just Themselves.

I think he’s still figuring out the shape of his heart, and what his heart really needs. I also still think that, in time, he will come to recognize me as a bonus to his life, and will settle on a connection with me that is mutually beneficial, but that will all remain to be seen. It’s in his hands. I’m going to be me, regardless, and love how I love, regardless. He doesn’t get a say in how my heart works.

That’s all on me.

by Thom Categories: TouchTags: , , , , , , , , ,

Reconnection

As of yesterday, he’s back. The Boy has returned, after alerting me a few days ago that his housing situation had gone sideways. Immediately, I went into action and started to chat with the Hubz about what we could do. The Boy and I have been negotiating a peaceful reconfiguration of our connection, both of us realizing that we have a bond that, try as we might, still exists and still needs some attention, so when he reached out, it wasn’t a moment to fall back into old habits and patterns and such. It’s a new chance, perhaps, to be the kind of person in his life I had intended on being all along.

The Hubz agreed, we could let him back in, with a word of caution about losing myself in that connection again. I vowed to him, and to another partner, that I would not do that. This is a reconnect on terms that make far more sense to me.

The Boy will have more autonomy, more freedom to explore his own heart and meet new people. I’ve put out there that I am still working on my own heart-shape, and that I’ve come to some realizations about the way I work as a human in relationship to others, and told him my discoveries so far. Together, though, we are finding far more common ground, and are starting to develop new spaces and ways to both keep exploring what he and I share, but also leave room for our own personal growth and development. I don’t feel the pressure to change how I love, or who I share my heart with. I also am willing to face down the insecurities that I still hold, and the ways I manage my behavior when things get tricky. It’s a constant work in progress, and I want to demonstrate to myself, and to those around me, including the Boy, that I’m capable of growth and change, even at the prime age of forty-five.

We spent the day getting him set up. A trip to Costco for groceries, that he bought. A lovely, cuddly nap. A trip to IKEA to get other pieces of furniture both for the room he’s in, but also as furniture I’ll need once that space is returned back to me as my office. As he was assembling the desk we bought, I gave him space in his room, to do what he wanted. He needed to make some phone calls, and deal with other things, and giving him space to be on his own for that felt important. Plus, I’d spent all day with him, and needed my own decompression time too. I needed to quiet my mind, sift through some thoughts, and remember who I am, and where I am in all of this. I don’t want to get lost in the shuffle and feels that all of this generated the last time we cohabitated.

It wasn’t until later, around the time that I was contemplating that I should get to bed, that I got a text, asking me to spend the night with him. I said that it would be a lovely thing, and agreed to do so, but it should be noted that I never assumed I’d be sleeping with him. It’s a boundary and behavior I want to employ going forward. I will go where I’m invited, either to the bed I share with my Hubz, or if the Boy wants company overnight. But he’s going to have to ask for it. It makes me feel wanted, when he does ask, but it also makes me feel like I’m supporting him and giving him more authority over his life, when he doesn’t ask.

His time here is limited, as he’s actively seeking to find a space for himself, and that also has added a bit of reprieve from the pressure I felt before. I am really just thankful for the opportunity to provide him shelter and quiet and peace while his life, which is seemingly full of chaos, rolls onward. I do not miss the messiness of my late twenties/early thirties. I know he’ll find his way, he’s a survivor of the highest order, but if I can make that journey a little more comfortable for him, because I truly do love him in a way I didn’t see coming, the better I feel.

by Thom Categories: TouchTags: , , ,

Beyond a Break-Up

Over the last week or so, the Boy and I have been in regular communication. In fact, we’ve seen each other, in person, two times in the last forty-eight hours. Both times have been deeply reaffirming for both of us, and have led us to understand that there is, in fact, a bond between us that exists, possibly outside of normal labels and nomenclature.

For now, we are exploring things without the weight of title or expectation. We are embracing the moments we share together without distraction and in full-view honesty with each other. It’s been utterly refreshing to show him the side of me that he once fell in love with. The joyful, unpressurized, full-on person that I can be, with my goofy personality and a bit askew takes on how I view the world around me, all gets to take a seat in the space he and I share, and I think it’s been really good for him to both get to know me that way, again, and for me to let go of the expectations I thought he had for me.

Things aren’t moving in any sort of way with him and I. They just…are. This energy? It’s just existing. Simply. In the present-tense.

And it’s feeling so joyous and closer to perfection that I ever thought possible.

The concept of a Break Up is just as important to explore as Falling In Love, to be honest. What does it mean to “break up” with someone? How does one reconcile the space between one and another who, in a literal previous moment, held a different place in our hearts? Does it undo all that came before, like an existential erase-and-rewind, or is it possible to integrate those memories into a better future? What choices need to be made, in that one moment, to ensure that both people are left feeling both informed and supported, even through what feels like the darkest of dark moments?

We’ve chosen to explore a world beyond those boundaries and demarcations. We’ve decided to let go of all those frameworks, foisted upon us by outside forces, and just let whatever shape this energy between us decides to form simply exist as it wants to, without restraint or guidance or containment. If it changes through time – which all relationships do, all the time – then so be it. I know he’s seeking something different than what I can provide, perhaps, but then I might also change my focus as well. We are two bodies in close-orbit with each other, but each with their own surface temperatures, textures, and storms. We can co-exist as separate entities and entities that share a bond. Recognizing this as a reality, not only in my relationship with the Boy, but with regards to all of the relationships in my whole life, is a fucking SPIN on the HEAD of everything I’ve ever been taught about Love in all of its various forms.

The fact is, my whole body does react to him. Hell, even typing all of this out is sending a relaxing vibe through my body, blood to all of my extremities, and a warm fuzzy feeling in my mind. I can’t deny that part of our connection, nor do I want to. Last night, over a delightful dinner and time spent being personal with each other, we both remained vulnerable and in the moment in a way that was such a positive experience. It’s hard to put it into words. You just had to be there, I guess.

This is how I love.

This is my path.

And the more I spend time on this rocky trail, I realize that it’s the closest I’ve ever been to being my authentic, true self. It’s wild that it’s taken me till 45 years of age to get here, but sometimes time just doesn’t matter. Not in the formation of the human psyche or mind space. I am my own vessel on my own journey, and I don’t need to live in shame for how I interface with the world around me. It works for me, and that’s all that matters. Open-hearted, willing to explore those threads of connectivity, and let the energy flow where it wants…more please. Much more of this, in fact.

by Thom Categories: TouchTags: , , , , ,

NSA

No strings attached.

I woke up yesterday, still processing the way the Boy left my life, trying to piece together the timeline that my anxiety rage tried to obscure from my mind. I think I landed on something that hit deep, and struck a chord within me I haven’t plucked in a very long time.

He’d mentioned that he spent time googling and exploring the meaning of “polyamory” in his journey to understanding me, how my heart works, and whether or not it was something he could accept. Along the way, he realized that wasn’t how his heart worked, and that it would be a constant struggle with me, should we remain together. I sat with that revelation from him for a bit. It got me to thinking about definitions, about the words we use in our language to express states of being or thought, and what we’ve collectively agreed upon as working for us, broadly speaking, so we can communicate with one another without having to pause and explain nuance or differentiation.

Words like “husband” or “boyfriend” or “married” or even “love” itself, all carry a socially accepted definition. Hell, one could argue that the whole of Merriam-Webster is founded on this idea of collective definitions. But what happens when those definitions don’t fully apply? What if my understanding of the word “husband” isn’t exactly the same as yours? What kind of assumptions are you making about me, as a husband, when you hear me called that? How is your language and classification of me, using labels like husband-lover-boyfriend-Dad-etc, changing your perception of me?

For the Boy, I think he got caught up in all of that. I think, and I’m not certain so I’ll never be fully sure, that he started to see me through the filters that those words, those descriptors, layered over me. Instead of seeing me as a solid, single entity named Thom, he saw me through the funhouse of mirrors that those words became.

He never asked me to explain myself, or when I did try to add nuance or gradients or turn those words into a spectrum of meaning for him, he didn’t or couldn’t get there with me. I think the difference between what he understood those words to mean, and how they applied to me, was too much of a gap for him.

Again, I don’t know, and might never know for sure, but it’s a theory that seems to fit well with regards to the situation.

I don’t want those terms applied to me. At all. I want to be known as just me, for my name, for as long as possible.

I don’t want to be classified, boxed, organized, shelved, categorized, or labeled, and have those things be the only thing I am for any one person. It makes my skin itch to think about how constrained those words make my entire being become in the minds of others. I’m more than any one of them, an amalgamation of all of them, and also exist beyond what any google page or dictionary might have to add to the understanding of each of those words.

Going forward, I’m going to be cutting more of these strings.

I don’t want the weight of them on my body and personhood. I want to engage with people who are willing to question the words and terms they use to describe someone else, especially as they get to know that person more intimately, and understand that just because they have their own understanding of what those concepts, those categories, all kind of mean, they might not know the full spectrum of definition. I want them to be as curious about redefining these words, these weighted, heavy, long-standing words, full of both promise and problems, and take ownership of the words they use.

This year, this summer, this new season of Spring and at the midpoint of my life, I’m going to be far more selective about who I let in close to me. I have that right, and I owe it to myself to surround myself with quality people who enhance my life. I’m also going to start valuing myself, my own personhood, a bit higher. I’m considering the ways I can express myself and be closer to who I am, and how that can add to my life.

Stay Tuned. Daddy is going to explore this darkness a bit more, and see what he comes up with. 💚

by Thom Categories: TouchTags: , , , , , , , ,

After

Today has been a day of reconnection.  

I had a lovely moment with my husband in our shower, as we lathered up and cleaned our skin for the day.  In the steam and water, we embraced, for the first time in a very, very long time.  Our schedules, and with the introduction of the ex-boyfriend over the last few months, has meant that we’ve definitely not been able to connect on even the most basic level. A quick chat over morning coffee, sometimes, does not make for a healthy marriage, and I felt that pressure early on in my time with the Boy.  

Still, my husband knew that I was going through a thing with the Boy, and that I needed space to find my pace and place with the addition to my family and our home.  He was happy to see the joy on my face that the Boy brought into my life, even while he was worried about the stress I was putting myself through to support him and also maintain my connections with the other men that I love.

It would come to pass that, in fact, my husband was a little hurt by how little time we saw and spent with each other.  He admitted this to me yesterday, and I had to sit with that fact for my entire work day.  Turns out, he wasn’t deeply hurt, but just a little wary about things between us.  We’ve been together for over nine years now, and our relationship has become stronger and more unique as time has passed.  Others from the outside have definitely judged our connection, and some do not understand it, or can’t wrap their minds around it.  Frankly, that’s how I’d like it to be. People will always make assumptions and categorize the things they do not understand or have experienced themselves, and our resilience to exist through all of that is only a testament to how strong we are as a couple.

I also had a moment to reconnect with my other local partner today.  David, the DJ, has been part of my PolyFam for a few years now, and while our connection is definitely more of a light-touch, no-expectations kind of arrangement, we did miss each other while I was wrapped up in my other situation. In the past couple of weeks, we’ve been able to come back together, and express love and intimacy in ways that work for us, and that support and nourish each other, as we’ve been doing all along. He loves that he can let down his guard with me and be “small,” while I enjoy offering him solace and security when the world gets hard for him.  He also gives me solid advice about how my heart feels, and reminds me, often, that I have true value in the world and am worthy of love that reflects that. While I’ve been in this moment of transition in my relationships, he’s been so good at helping me keep my balance, and re-establish who I am, how I love, and what that all means.

I have also spent some time, briefly, connecting with my longer-distant partners, Cody and Rene, and just reminding them that I love them and that they matter. Cody is managing a relationship shift in his life, as well, and so it’s important to me to be there for him in as many ways as possible.  Rene is overwhelmed with stress and is trying to find balance between caring for himself and keeping himself invested in his community.  Much along the lines with Cody, I am distant, but am there for him in any way that I can be.  Long distance is tricky, but it’s doable.  

I will carry on with my life, the way I love, and build more faith in my own self and my own values as time passes.  My journey with the ex-boyfriend was a bit of a stress-test for me that I really needed to go through in order to find the boundaries that I cannot cross, and how much tolerance I have for flexibility across the areas of my life. I still have miles to go and healing to do, but I feel like today was a good first solid step in that direction. 

by Thom Categories: TouchTags: , , , ,

Vacation with David

Since arriving in October, David and I have become basically inseparable. When he arrived, I had a week off from work, and spent most of that time just orienting him to life out here in Oregon. Since then, it’s been week after week of routine and work and stress over money. The usual grind, really.

Last week, though, we caught a break, and together, we spent some real quality Boyfriend time together. It was a much needed re-bonding situation.

Our first adventure was to the eastern slope of the Cascades, to a region of Oregon that I most adore. While it’s dry and warm over there for most of the year, winter in the eastern foothills of the Cascades is quite magical. Windswept rolling hills, sagebrush and juniper and pine, the air filled with a chill and crispness that is dry and light, rather than the damp and smother that you find in Portland, and west of the mountains. It’s here that I usually run to when I need to clear my head, take a break from reality, and realign myself and my life. Showing this to David meant letting him into another part of my world. He got to see me outside of my usual, out of my ruts, and being more authentically me again, which, for him, was exactly what he needed.

He had found a beautiful cabin in Terrebonne, Oregon, near Smith Rock State Park, that had a deck that overlooked at least seven of the peaks along the mountain range. Our night there included seeing the million-billion stars that are obscured by urban light where we call home. It also involved a delightful meal at a cute restaurant in town, and an evening spent being creative – me with my writing and him with his drawing – while listening to the crackle of a fire.

Blissful is a good descriptor.

The following day saw me up early, out of our lofted bed, and making us breakfast in the frosty morning. We saw a flock of birds waking up with the sun, as well as a coyote out making an early patrol of the grounds around the cabin. Once fed and awake, we took off to Smith Rock, a spot that I’ve only ever seen literally crawling with people.

Dead of Winter = Peaceful Park

A rather long stroll around the park gave us a lovely opportunity to talk more, to squeeze each other’s hands, and to be “that couple” out in nature. It’s a behavior that we have bonded over before, and simply being out in the open air with David reminds me of how simple and pure our connection really is. It lifted my spirits quite a bit, and made the remainder of the day a constant stream of feel-good-vibes.

I showed him a little of Bend, Oregon, and on to Sisters, Oregon as well, and we returned home tired and refreshed at the same time.

The remainder of the week was spent being lazy and without schedule. Morning hugs, coffee, a few trips to the gym, and making sure each other was comfy and fed were all on the would-be lists of things to do, but nothing was scheduled or scripted. It all just flowed as it wanted, and it was rather amazing.

I want more time with him. I want to get to know him even more. My husband has seen and noted the amount of joy that David has brought into my life, and the love that I share with David spills over into every other connection I have. This is a net positive for myself, and my family of lovers. It is how my life was meant to be, and honestly, I’m left so humbled and grateful for all of it.

by Thom Categories: TouchTags: , , ,

Yuletide Morning

Our little tree, a living being in a bright red pot I bought at the grocery store for under $20, stands wrapped in bright lights on top of the second-hand bookshelf by the front door.

Upstairs, the dog and my boys are snoring, slumbering into the morning.

Soon, there will be the pitter-patter of dog-paws, as it’s near time for his morning piss and breakfast. As per usual. Like clockwork. He’s as regular as breathing and a heartbeat. His consistency has become something I lean on for my own regularity. I didn’t know I was adopting a life coach and therapist when I scooped up the pup from the shelter, a fortieth birthday gift to myself, over five years ago.

This morning, my thoughts are all over the map. I keep wondering when my life will return to the simplicity of my childhood, except now, and especially after 2022’s revelations and therapy sessions, I’m realizing that childhood was fraught and those moments of simple living are but pages and sections, and not the full story. I wonder what simplicity I am actually chasing?

What would my life be without credit card debt, student loans, that check engine light, the empty spaces in the cupboards? What would my world feel like without the multitude of plates that I’m responsible for? Is that the escape I keep dreaming about? That world where time is measured in coffee cups and cloud patterns?

This will be my 45th Yule. This will be my 45th dip into the darkest part of the year, and my 45th attempt at setting reasonable, measurable, achievable goals for myself and the year to follow. As though I can set intention for the unknown future. As though I have any semblance of control over what the Universe will throw my way over the next twelve months. I suppose, if anything, I’ve learned to be reasonable about what I set for myself.

Perhaps this time, I’ll set my sights a little lower. Instead of massive changes in my current situation, be it with my overall health, or finances, or living arrangements, I’ll keep things on a longer time-scale. I have twenty years until the government has determined I’m not as viable as a worker as I’ve been so far. In the time I have left, I need to take and make concrete steps towards the kind of freedom I want my last years on this planet to be full of. I want a retirement full of trees and paths and magic and calm. To get there, I need to set small goals, incremental in nature, and stick to them daily.

In the meantime, I probably ought to really separate out the things that I can control and alter, and the things that really live outside of my scope of influence. I don’t know who is going to come or go, into or out of, my life. I don’t know what state or shape the community I live in will be in, come this time next year. I don’t know, and I have no control over, who’ll be in charge or what they’ll decree as law or process. I don’t know and cannot control the pressures that will be placed upon my mind and body.

I can control my reactions to these changes, though. If I continue to shrink my lens a bit, narrow my focus down, maybe I’ll feel less overwhelmed by this time next year.

Maybe this time next year, by the light of the tiny tree, I’ll feel like I’m a bit closer to the simple bliss of my post-adulthood life, and a bit closer to that boy I left on that rocky outcropping back in Maine on that warm summer day, staring to the west and dreaming of a better life.

by Thom Categories: TouchTags: , , , ,

Social Realignment

Over on the Bird App, which I’ve become so damn fond of, things are fracturing even more. The Thing In Charge is revealing themselves to be an utter monster, and while I’m there, it feels icky, like I’m sticking my head in the sand and just doing my thing, all while knowing exactly what it is I’m feeding into.

Meanwhile, over here, in the land of Jockstraps and Evergreens, I feel like I can express myself far more authentically. I feel like, at least here, I can share and be heard in a way that suits me, doesn’t have to feed into the machinations of a megalomaniac, and could become some sort of online rest stop for my thoughts, ideas, projects, and expressions.

I know, this site started off as some sort of dark and sassy vaguely porn-ish thought process. And, yes, it’ll probably be that too, but expect more from me in terms of sharing thoughts, talking about the things that matter to me, with visuals that are hopefully tasteful yet evocative. That’s my goal, anyway.

I can’t manage the split-off of all of the people and voices that I once had gathered together over there on the Bird App. It’s not up to me to go chasing them down, to follow along, to reach out and find every last one of them. That took multiple years to craft and build so that my experience there was mostly uplifting and positive for me. I don’t have the patience for that, or, if I’m fully honest, the need for that much interaction anymore.

My life is *full* these days. David’s arrival in October really did fill the gap that was in my heart, that I was using social media to fill. I’ve said it time and again, but I’ve stopped Seeking for while, and for as long as he’s in my life. I’m not looking for that certain kind of someone, who’s both calm and sweet and loving, but also energetic and challenges me and my ways of thinking. I’m not on the hunt for someone who’s a fantastic romp in bed, but also isn’t looking to be that romp for lots of other people (I know, that’s a conundrum regarding my polyamory best left for a separate post). I’m not reaching into the Void to find other energies to bring into my life, only to be discarded or ignored or skipped over because I don’t fit a certain spot or ideal that they’re seeking. No, now that The Boy is here, and we’ve started to Build Our Thing, I don’t need to constantly Seek, Hunt, Search, Find, and Reach for the entity and energy that he now brings into my life. I have that.

For that, I am deeply, deeply grateful.

So? Perhaps it’s a social media Hermitage that’s in process. Perhaps it’s a break from the constant engagement and comments and thread-reading. Perhaps, for now, it’s time to look more locally for engagement and interaction that includes time spent with those who are in arm’s reach. The fact is, I have community here, and I need and want to be more of a part of it. I have this whole nutrition and fitness coaching side of me that’s just waiting for my attention and efforts. I need to scope out how networking is done here, among the 🌈Fam of Portland, and engage with that more.

I’ve got more to do than scroll infinitely.

by Thom Categories: TouchTags: , , ,

December Darkness

There’s not much daylight these days. I wake up in the dark, work mostly in the dark, spend my time off work in the dark, predominantly. Generally speaking, it’s a hard job not to just want to sleep all the time every day until spring. I swear I’m built for hibernation.

Thing is, that’s not how capitalism works. Or the modern human society, for that matter. One must get up and do the things, even when the sun can’t be bothered to rise over the horizon, or hang out up in the sky for very long.

This year feels different, though, and it’s because of David. I haven’t written too much about him, either here or over on my twitter, but suffice to say, he’s keeping Daddy very, very happy. Even in the darkness. Especially in the darkness, in fact.

The Boy has challenged me to keep myself engaged with the world around me. He’s at my side, propping me up, reminding me that I’m worthy and lovely at nearly every turn. He keeps telling me and showing me how much he truly does care for me, and keeps me honest about how I perceive myself and treat myself from day to day.

I can honestly say I have never felt this complete before. I have a beautiful husband in Raymond, and a solid bond and connection with him that transcends any other relationship I have ever had. I have a beautiful Boyfriend in David, who is the spark and joy and light that is keeping this fire inside me lit, to be and become a better, stronger version of myself every single day.

I have my other members of my polyamorous gang (the other David, Rene, and Cody) who, while they are a bit more periphery in my life, still are my confidantes, my go-to guys, my leaning posts, my advice columnists, and lovers. There’s no more burning ache in my heart for more. Instead, there’s a desire to go deeper. To tend to the planted seeds, rather than expand the garden, is the objective now, and it feels like a good, massive shift in my driving force through this world. I am no longer SEEKING. I’m off the hookup apps. I’m not floating around in social spheres trying to catch the eye of someone I find attractive. I’m not engaging in conversations and flirtations with men from distant places in order to fill a gap in my heart and mind.

It might be the darkest month of the year, but there’s so much light in my heart and home; a solid glowing ember of pure, multi-dimensional and multi-faceted love that I have crafted and created for myself. While I spend a LOT of personal energy fretting and worrying over the machinations of it all, when I take a step back and really look at what I’ve built for myself and those I love, I’m actually quite proud of myself.

Living my truth, in all of its myriad of expressions, has got to be the biggest achievement of my life so far. No fiscal or personal gain has brought me more joy than the feeling of content in my heart.

by Thom Categories: TouchTags: , , , , , , , ,

More than a Boy

He’s more than just my Boy. I call him Son, sometimes, but he’s growing into something Else. I’m not sure what to label things, so I think I’ll just not and let them be what they Are, whatever that might be, or become.

David’s been here about two months now, and from what I can tell, things between him and myself are just getting started. We’ve got a settled pattern of behavior, which works for us both, for now. He doesn’t have a job yet, so that will most likely shift as time passes, hopefully. Still, the way we move together, and the time we spend with each other, has become more and more like time spent with another piece of me. We fuck, we laugh, we scheme, we talk. We work out together. We share common desires for ourselves and for our futures.

We are deeply in Love.

He’s still quite reserved about his feelings, though, and the last couple of days has been a bit of a deeper dive into that part of him.

He knows I’m polyamorous. He knew this entering into anything with me, knows of my partners and my connection to them, and knows that he cannot take up more space in my heart than he already does.

But I think he forgets sometimes. And I think he’s still testing the waters to see how he feels about all of this.

Apparently, loving a person who also holds love for others is a weirdly wired challenge for him, as it has been for the other young men I’ve attempted to bring into my life on this level. It’s a bit tiresome on my end of things, and I am finding myself holding back, dialing myself and my own expression of affection, connection, and emotion into a safer place, under control.

Naw, that’s phrased wrong.

What I’m doing is silently holding my feelings for myself and watching as he develops and changes to his new situation in his life. I think I’ve learned that it’s not on me to adjust myself so far out of whack with who I am to meet his needs. I don’t need to compromise how I identify or how I love, just to be enough for him. This time around, I’m keeping my cool, and keeping control of myself and my emotional state, while letting him go through what he needs to go through. I am constantly remembering that this could all fall apart at any moment.

Thing is, that’s the truth for all of my relationships. Each one of them is a daily choice to be made.

He admitted to me that he’s struggling with his sense of insecurity, which leans into the generic “jealousy” realm. Jealousy, is an over-arching word for a ton of other smaller feelings, and when I hear that word, I’m set off in search of the underlying feeling that’s more precise. In his case, he’s at a crossroads between wanting a singular man all to himself, like he has had before, or wanting the lateral flexibility to love more than one man, such as I do, and expand his understanding of committed relationships and love, overall.

Right from the start, it was he who told me that he wanted to love in a similar fashion to me. He wanted to hold space and affection for more than one person. I told him I could show him how it works for me, and I have been doing that for the last eight months. What I think might be happening is that he’s discovered there’s a boundary, and he needs to negotiate his comfort level with this. I’ve told him that I have made more space for him, at the expense of my other relationships, in order to make him more comfortable while he figures this out.

But I won’t go further than what I’ve done.

I don’t have to compromise so much that I lose parts of my heart in the process. I have worked very hard to establish and maintain the relationships that I have in my life, and they are vital to my life, and deserve attention and care. He knows this, respects this, and has recognized his own shortcomings that he, alone, will have to negotiate.

by Thom Categories: TouchTags: , , , , , , ,