That was his text message to me, three days after he landed in Denver.
He’s on a plane back to Portland tomorrow.
I’m not 100% sure what’s going to happen next, but I’m picking him up at 5:40p at Portland International Airport, and we will be in the same domicile for the foreseeable future.
When he left, I made sure he kept the house key. It’s a thing I do for the boys I’ve loved, and a way to make sure that, no matter where they are, they know they have a place they can come to when things go sideways. If there’s one thing in life I know, it’s that things go sideways. All the damn time.
I just didn’t expect them to go sideways so quickly for him.
I asked him for more details, and from what he could tell me, the place he landed was no home. Not even in the slightest. He had nowhere to sit, could barely sleep, nowhere to store or prepare food. It all just was terrible.
I could have started in on him, about making a rash decision and jumping headfirst into something he wasn’t 100% sure about, but I refrained. Why? Because I’ve done the same damn thing, three monumentally terrible times, and I know how it goes. I know how the heart can take the lead and all that. I know what that rush of new and different feels like. I get it.
Instead, I just listened. I reiterated what I felt for him, and what I still feel for him, and he’s admitted that he’s been harboring feelings for me still all through this little side quest of his. He’s been struggling with who he is, what he is, and all the rest. He’s not happy, and he’s strayed too far off the path he was intending.
So? He’s coming back. And my friends are none too impressed by it. I’ve had more than a few people reiterate that he hurt me pretty badly, that he treated me very poorly, and that he’s taken advantage of me in ways that are deeply painful. I know he has. I recognize the truth in their spoken words and my lived experience. I know that letting him back into my life comes with a phenomenal amount of emotional risk. I own all of that.
But I will also own that so much of me really needs to see where this story goes next.
I guess stay tuned. Reserve judgement if you can, or let me have it if you feel that’s necessary.